Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
