matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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