I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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