my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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