I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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