im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm just crazy horny about you
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
