I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
