My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
