Capitaan dildo arrescate!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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