just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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