I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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