he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
