what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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