it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
