my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize