It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
