woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize