I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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