I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
