I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize