why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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