Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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