I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
