There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
