my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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