babies were throwing up all over the place
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize