my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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