So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
