That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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