I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
