Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
