So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
