I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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