Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
