you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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