You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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