Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
