your thong is hanging out like whoa
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
