I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
