My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You are the jesus of drinking
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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