At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
