Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
