Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i think my cat just said my name.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
