So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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