she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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