Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize