He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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