Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
