I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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