last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize