I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
