if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
