i wish my penis had a tongue
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
